my life. is. worthless.

i feel like dying everyday.
my wish everytime i get into the car
is that we get into a crash and i die.
Thats what i want sadly.
its gotten to that point.
where i cant even stand my existence.
i fight daily with my mom
im losing my friends one by one,
not only that but my mom is sending to juvie after i finsish high school. I know no one cares but its something to say
im turning hopeless.
my heart aches everyday
my mind doesnt even want to work
the only time im happy is at school and its coming to a point where i dont even want to do that.
Yet, im not going to give in just yet. I have time,
if you can say that much.
Im going to fight a little more for now, no matter what people throw at me.
I'm just going to take it.
No point in dying just yet, i guess i have a whole life to live.

Pain in the gut

Do people realize when they have stung your heart?
Your breath is no longer a silent whisper in the air but a loud harsh wheeze
your heart no longer goes thud thud thud but a fast paced thuuuuuuud.
one insistent beat that wont stop.
You dont realize how much it would have hurt you til it did.
Your feelings your memories your life seems to shake and shatter
in this one instnat
and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
SO you try to fix yourself
losing piece after piece while trying.
Does your strength ever return?
Does your heart ever heal?
Truth is it never completely heals...
just numbs over
trying to forget those memories
to forget that person.
Your in remorse and though you dont know what you did wrong...
you blame yourself everyday.
Why does it hurt so bad?
Its because you dont know what you have until you lose it.

Life is not Fair

Life is unfair. People who believe life will ever be fair, that the good guy will triumph, that trying to do your best, actually doing something will make the world right, Well they are just plain idiots. Lifes ot fair you want to know why? Because there are dumbasses in this world that believe that they arer better than anyone else, that they can just slide through life with a little persuasion. How is life supposed to be fair when you are doing all you can to make yourself better and then someone eklse comes along who takes all the credit. that is unimaginable right? Wrong it happens everyday and still people believe life should be fair. why do we have hardships and problems? it is because no one is the same, there is always that one individual who thinks he is hot shit and can just sit there and do nothing while you work your ass off and still get the paym,ent. Hopw much more idiotic could you get with people like him around. Right, you dont gert far qat akll because you need moer than just hard work apparently, you need to have a pretty face, you need to be able to talk your ass out of sticky friggin situations, yep thats it you use your big mouth instead of actually doing something with your life. So yeah life isnt fair but we still neeed to do our best even if there are those idiots who do nothing.

I don't want sympathy i just want some place to vent.

So its been a wild couple years (2) and well a lot has happened. I was a crazy kid yep and i know people dont really care for teens and their drama but it isn't like we are the only ones without drama. We all have problems some worse than others. Mine go with the norm. Yet, it isn't the norm they are my own so they must be unique to me...or so i think or how i see it, i'm not sure now that i think about it. Anyways my Boyfriend of 10 months Alan is so amazing and yadda yadda not going to get into girly details but i'm not allowed to see him since he is now legally an adult and i'm just a little 17 year old. What possible fairness is in that? Of course i plan to live with him and marry him. He is my love and yes people already have given me shit on being too young, haven't had a chance to live, haven't had a chance at finding others. Still i know for a fact he is my only. I cant even think of guys as guys anymore just people. No attraction to any of them if that makes sense? Not even movie stars look cute anymore and it is weird. Still this blog is mostly so i can vent and i know i wont get any real feed back because really who cares?

My mom threatens my boyfriend and his family, i'm called an idiot everyday by her and by my sister, i don't feel loved in my household anymore, and i think i'm depressed but i really don't know. i'm confused on that. I feel like an whats the word freakish stupid ignorant wreck. Still i have to live with it for now. I'm not allowed to call my boyfriend so i have no real person to talk to anymore. my sister thinks i'm useless but truth is i gave up in caring since all i am doing is living in a household that cant wait to get rid of me (still they wont admit it) my friends yeah there are my friends the ones who make me laugh occasionally that know me really well especially when i'm in the mood to be happy or sad. they can tell that i'm upset even before i can. thing is i get real quiet and i don't even know why. i have a year to wait and people say oh its so short it will go fast but hey its a year. My senior year of school. i shouldn't have to worry about being accepted by friends and family. I kinda miss my little kid problems now. between being in puppy love with a guy who didn't give a shit and having his bf have a crush on me ha yep love triangles are weird. thing is i barely give the guy a glance when he visits unless he talks to me and then i just leave because i get bored. i'm usually a chill person and i'm a very hyper girl who acts like a weirdo and a dork because i like doing random stuff. I hate talking bout myself. I really do but its not like anyone else is there as my counsel. I do things that are dangerous now because well life has no real point to me. I lost that at some point this year. they say that your 16 and 17 are the good years but they lie. I mean it, these years want to know what they are really full of? Full of crap, lies, hurt, confusion. they are chock full of College applications, teachers trying to get you to learn, friends hiding shit behind your back, people forgetting your even there, people who will watch you cry instead of be there for you, people who believe you acting like a child is because your stupid, peers acting like a dumbass because they feel they have more power than teachers. Yep that's just half of it. what sucks is when your the one people come to, who ask for advice, help, who wont be there though. When your both upset and they started it your the one who ends up apologizing, when they are scared or upset your the one confronting the person who hurt them, your the one who is cheering them up making jokes and trying to make them not cry anymore. still you know what happens to people like me who do this stuff everyday? They get hurt worse. They have to hide their feelings, their pain and try to stay their optimistic self while being hurt left and right. I swear to you im not asking for sympathy just an ear to listen to me rant on and on. i know people have it worse and i feel their pain still i have pain to and i can hardly deal with it. Really, i barely can and i have tried hurting myself but i've stopped. I need to become strong. Thats what Alan says. Baby you are so strong you just need to use it to your advantage, ignore what people say, ignore what they think, just be the carolynn i know, be you. Be the one i love and be strong mentally i know you can take it and you know im always here for you. I swear i know i found my perfect soulmate, he is well he is breathtaking. One of my friends jovanny is amazed by him. Just because alan has been through this with me and he helps however he can. He knows all guys have a limit but Alan...he doesnt. He is willing to get me out of here, take care of me, get a job to help support us and even wait the year to see me. No guy i know would do that for his girlfriend, especially after their mom threatened to send them to jail as a sex offender ( just cuz he is 18 cheezus!)he stays there even when his family says that we can no longer contact until my birthday in 355 days and counting. He wouldn't cheat on me and he loves showing off all my baby pictures (which he found in a box in my backyard and automatically put in his wallet ) This guy well he is my life and i don't accept people who hurt him...or my friends. I have gotten very...defensive this year, my friends don't deserve to be yelled at or messed with so yeah of course i protect them. just wish i was stronger. i can get through the whole fist part and not give a damn but the thing is later all the cruel words get to me and i cry. Cant help it i'm weak in some ways strong in others. Just me i guess. still my rant is starting to not make much sense so ill write more later when i'm feeling better. hopefully you get not everyone's life is different. some are stronger than others,some get hurt more than others, some care more about others than themselves, and some just rather live with the pain and protect friends and family no matter what happens to me. i guess that would be the best way to describe me for this part. my life isn't or wasn't supposed to be sad it just turned out that way. im a horrible daughter , a disgrace of a person, i cant help it. im not going to change even if no one loves or accepts me.